


Drawback

by flawrytale



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Gen, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Other, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-03
Updated: 2020-09-03
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:21:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26267896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flawrytale/pseuds/flawrytale
Summary: He wasn't really the person you'd expect to see there, besides it's been a long time since you last saw him. Are you finally ready to confront him? Do finally have the courage to get the answers for the questions that have been bothering you for years?
Relationships: Oikawa Tooru/Reader
Kudos: 24
Collections: Haikuu!!, haikyuu!!





	1. Interrupt

"It's gonna rain" You tell yourself quietly as you sit near the glasswall of the coffee shop.

"How long have I been dissociating again?" you ask yourself. The air feels dry and cool against your skin while the breeze coming from the air conditioner feels like wind blowing through your face. Sudddenly, your phone rings and you receive a text message from someone.

"From: Sachi +xxxxxxxxxx

I'll be running late, I'm still printing my notes :(((. I promise to buy you a cinnamon roll when I get there. I'm sorry!"

You place your index fingers on your temples and massage them lightly. You continue to ask yourself why you even agreed to review with them. Thinking that if you reviewed by yourself, you would have been at least halfway done by now. Your friend Sachi is running late while Yuki is yet to update where he is. At this rate your group won't be able to cover all the topics for the major exam.

You look outside and see a familiar figure walking by the sidewalk with some other people. The figure walked closer towards the entrace of the coffe shop where you're currently at. You lean a little bit towards the door to confirm whether he is who you thinks he is. You can't see the person's face clearly because his back is turned towards you so you try your best to discreetly see his face. That can't be him, the last news you heard about him was that he was going abroad for a sports scholarship or something related to that.

The figure turns slightly towards your direction and that's when you saw his face. That's him, that's Oikawa. Your heart sank when you confirmed that it was him. What was he doing here? When did he return? Most importantly, why is he here?

You still remember that day clearly. It wasn't a special day at all, you just dropped by their dorm like what you always do. You brought him his laundry that you picked up from the laundry shop earlier so that he'd have more time to practice. You cooked his favorite food that you usually cooked for him. You rode the train like usual and walked by the pet shop as usual but why, why did that day turnout like that?

When you arrived at his dorm, there were a lot of people from different clubs lining up at the first floor to claim their uniforms. The smell of pain patch was the dominant scent in the air. It was a familiar smell to you since Oikawa would have them on his back or arms after their pratice. You searched for Oikawa but he wasn't there . It was usually quiet in that area but since almost all the althletes are there, it was really noisy and crowded. You would often wait by the lobby and then tell Oikawa to come pick you up but you didn't want to bother him right now, he is probably running errands for the team or talking to their coach. You walked towards the elevator and waited for the elevator to close. You were infont of the elevator passengers so when you saw Iwaizumi pass by, you called for him.

"Iwa-chan! Over here!" you shouted, hoping he would hear you even with the loud chatter of the athletes.

When he saw who was calling for him, you saw the expression on his face change as he ran towards you. You can't tell if he's scared or worried with his face. "It's probably just me" you told yourself as the elevator ascended.

When you arrived at the fourth floor, you walked out of the elevator towards Oikawa's room. It was on the left wing of the building near the other elevator. As you turned towards the direction of the room, you heard strange noises coming from that direction. Is someone hurt? Is that why he's not at the lobby? Is that why Iwa-chan looked worried? You ran towards the room and knocked on the door. Before you could say anything, you heard Oikawa yell.

"Oi Iwa-chan I told you to leave us alone for at least two hours" us? Alone? Who was he with him in there? Your were horrified when you realized what was the strange sound you heard. You covered your mouth and dropped Oikawa's laundry. You froze, your chest feels tight and you can't breathe. What shoud you do? Should you just leave the premises and pretend you didn't hear anything? Or should you knock on the door until he opens it and then confront him?

You heard heavy footsteps coming from the elevator so you turned your head towards the direction of the sound. Iwaizumi wasn't a close friend but you treated him well, to be frank, you treated everyone in the volleyball team nicely. You would bring them snacks or energy drinks whenever you would drop by. You made sure you treated everyone well. How could they do this to you? You have showed nothing but genuine care for them? Why didn't they tell you about this? How long have they known?

Before you could knock again, the door suddenly opened and there you saw a half-naked Oikawa with a girl behind him. Silence. There was complete silence between the three of you there. No one dared to say a word. It was already painted in your face that you heard what they were doing inside. You looked at the two of them, trying your best not to cry infront of them. You placed the food that you were holding on the floor and started to walk towards the elevator. You were only a few steps away from the door when you saw Iwaizumi bolt towards you.

"Oikawa isn't h-" he abruptly cut himself when he saw Oikawa standing by the door with the female inside their room. You walked passed by him and didn't say a word.

"I'm sorry" was all Oikawa could say when he walked towards you. You held your wrist and waited for you to say something.

"No" was all you managed to say, shaking off his grip on your wrist. You had nothing to say. You didn't want to forgive him nor hurt him so you just walked away.

Your flashback was disrupted when his group entered the coffee shop. It was a good thing that your table was quite far from the counter. You didn't want him to see you there. To be honest, you didn't have anything to say either. You were rather anxious than pissed right now, for sure he would try to talk to you if he sees that you're alone. Since the dorm incident, you have only seen him twice after that and you barely talked to him. Everytime he tried to ask you questions you didn't answer them or if he tried to explain you said you don't want to listen.

What was left for him to say? You were just going to give him an opportunity to justify his mistakes if you allowed him to say anything. Whether it was a one time thing or something that he did behind your back often, it didn't really matter to you. It wasn't something you'd want to know more about. You didn't want to make a scene or cause him trouble since he was already a national athlete at that time. All these years you've hid your pain and suffered alone. You didn't even tell your parents about the real reason why you broke up. You cared for him even after he caused you pain, you wanted closure but you didn't have the guts to ask him your whys, hows and whats. Besides, you were going to suffer more if you knew his reason so you just let it be that way for years.

You dial Yuki's number on your phone because you were getting even more anxious now that his group was looking for vacant seats. There were only a few seats on the other side so you were more than sure that they would occupy the vacant spot right next to your table.

Dialing... Yuki...

"Yuki where are you? I've been waiting for over half an hour now... I'm not mad at you, just come over quickly so we can start to re-"

"Hi! Is this table ta-"

You looked at the person talking, it was him. He was talking to you. The two of you didn't say anything for a while, he seemed stunned to see you after a long time. Your face was heating up quickly like food inside a microwave when you saw him. You feel a tight grip on your chest, almost similar to the way you felt back then. You even can't choke up words to say. Were you supposed to greet him? Should you ignore him and pretend you didn't hear him? Should you slap him? Your mind was completely blank at the moment because you didn't even think you would see him again. You were prepared to never see him for the rest of your life but you were never prepared to see him again. You start to bite the insides of your mouth while you think of something you should say.

"Sorry to bother you but is this table taken?" asks a person from his group. When he asked his question you were snapped back into reality. How long were you spacing out again? It took a while to process a simple question because you were still bothered that Oikawa was infront of you.

"I don't think so" you answered, trying your best to look calm. You didn't recognize the person who asked you the question, these people are probably his new teammates or a different group of friends. Did he get into a new team? Is he back for good or is he going abroad again to train?

"I'll just call you back" you tell Yuki, you almost completely forgot about him.


	2. Meek

"We should make flashcards next time since it would be easier for us to recall information that way" Sachi says as she scribbles down notes on the bottom right corner of her reviewer. Yachi and Yuki arrived almost at the same time. It didn't take long for your group to start reviewing when the two arrived. You weren't sure if Yuki and Sachi noticed how you looked earlier but every now and then you would catch them looking at you with a worried face.

You just nodded your head in response to Sachi's suggestion. It's been over an hour now since Oikawa's group arrived and sat at the table next to yours. You tried your best to concentrate on what you were doing but your mind continues to fly away. For some reason, the air seemed to feel warmer compared to how it felt earlier. You weren't even facing each other but it feels like there's some kind of tension in the air. As much as you didn't want to admit it, he still affected you in some way. You can hear his voice over the next table, he wasn't even talking loudly but somehow you felt like the other sounds in the cafe tone down whenever he speaks.

"Hey, are you alright? You look like you're going to faint any moment now" Yuki asked with a worried tone in his voice. It was loud enough to be heard by people sitting at the other table.

"I'm alright, don't worry about me" you answered, trying to sound as reassuring as possible. You weren't sure but for a brief moment you think Oikawa looked over to your table through your peripheral vision. It just a brief moment that if you would've blinked at the same time, you would've missed it. You tried you best to shake it off your mind.

"I see. If you're feeling unwell we can just study at Sachi's place" Yuki said, still with a worried face. He lets out a heavy sight and takes two sips of his Americano. You take a small bite from the cinnamon roll that Sachi bought for you. It was just the right amout of sweetness, the cream on top of the cinnamon roll compliments the flavor of the bread itself. You reached across the table to grab some napkins to wipe off the excess cream that was on top of your lip. You looked over to the next table, now you're sure that Oikawa was looking at your table as well. It was another brief look, but this time it was long enough for you to catch him.

You wipped your lip with the napkins you've got. You clenched your fist out of frustration. You didn't want to confront him but something inside you was pushing you to ask answers for your questions. You've spent years keeping them to yourself. It was obviously possible to get the answers that you were looking for if you just gave him time to explain himself. However it wouldn't be that easy for you, you were more than sure that he would try to justify his actions but that wasn't the dangerous part of listening to him. The dangerous part was that you know to yourself that even if his reasons didn't make sense or even if you didn't want to tolerate him, you would believe him anyway.

You remember the last time you saw him was when you went over to his dorm to take the things that you've left at his place when you were still together. It was really quiet when you arrived, Iwa-chan was there but he didn't speak as well. You didn't want to hear anything from them, no explanation, nothing. You just wanted to get your things. Oikawa entered the room with yogurt drinks on both hands. He muttered something to Iwaizumi which caused the latter to exit the room. He walked out quietly and closed the door behind him. Oikawa placed one of the yogurts beside you.

"Won't you let me explain?" he asked as he opened one for himself. His tone was more of irritated than apologetic. Why would he be irritted when he was the one at fault? You didn't have enough energy to deal with him so you didn't answer him. You pretended that you didn't hear anything and walked pass him when you got your things. You didn't even look at him, you were looking at the floor and the walls the whole time you were there.

"Look I just want you to hear me out. I'm sorry" he said when you were almost at the door. Should I let him explain? Should I hear him out? These were the questions in your head. You stopped walking and stood there for almost 15 seconds. If you hear him out, you wouldn't be able to leave this place without bawling your eyes out. Since the incident happened, all you did was cry when you were alone, you were already tired of doing that and so you decided.

"No" was the only word that escaped your lips. You had many things in your mind right now that could've been answered already if you just let him speak, but that was the only word you could think of. You opened the door and continued to walk. You didn't really remember how you even got home. It was a if you were in another dimension when you were walking, it felt like you were walking in a blur.

You nearly collapsed when you got home. Your body felt heavy, as if there's some sort of imaginary boulder tied to your waist. You asked yourself whether or not you made the right decision because there's a certain degree of doubt in your head. If he really wanted to explain his side he would have reached out already, he wouldn't let you just walk away.

You stared at the screen of your phone for hours that night. Were you waiting for a message from him? Were you going to make the first move and call him? Should you demand for an explanation now? You let out a sigh and closed your eyes, you feel your eyes dampen as soon as you closed them. The steady hum of the air conditioner was the only thing you could hear but the sound was almost drowned by the loud thoughts you have. You never heard from him after that day

"Macchiato frappe for Mika. A macchiato frappe for Mika" the barista called from the spot behind the counter.

You shake your head to shrug off your thoughts. You took a few sips from your own drink and highlighted the important parts from the reviwer. Your drink was already watered down because of how long you've left it untouched. Your group was still far from finish reviewing but you were almost done with a third of the overall topics. Your friends seem to be in great focus compared to you. They were ahead of you by at least two sub-topics. You were used to reviewing in coffee shops since you did this ever since you were a freshman at your university but it was hard to focus today because of his presence.

"Let's go. We have to meet-up with the others before we start our practice" you heard one of the people at Oikawa's table talk. It seems like they will be leaving any moment now. You can't explain why you felt your heart twitch a little. Were you sad that he was leaving? You didn't want to see him right? So why do you feel this way?

You look over to their table and see them gathering their things. You saw Oikawa pick-up his things as well. You didn't notice it earlier but it seemed like he gained some muscles and his hair was cut differently. What does he eat these days? Is he having enough sleep? You looked down on your reviewer before he could catch you looking at him. Should you talk to him before he leaves? You better ask him your questions now because you wouldn't know when you'll see him again. When you were about to speak. You hear him say something.

"Y/N, arigato. Thank you very much" Oikawa said while facing you. You lifted you head and saw him looking at you. At that moment you felt like time slowed down. Aside from him asking you about the table's availability earlier, this was the first time after a long time that he talked to you. It was just a short sentence but it felt like there was something else to his words, like he was telling you something else. You didn't want to put words in his mouth but you were sure that there was more to his thank you.

You saw him smile at you. Maybe his words really did mean something else. This seemed to be the perfect opportunity for you to ask him if he had time to talk to you. This was the perfect time.

"Hai, you're welcome" you found yourself lost for words again, but this time you were glad that you didn't say anything else. You weren't sure if the two of you were at the same page but his gratitude and the way he expressed it was enough for you already. Nothing was going to change if you demand an apology or explanation now. It wouldn't make things better for the two of you. The two of you are living different lives now, you didn't want to be in pain again. It would be best to just let things be.

"Ah yes, we forgot to say thank you earlier when you answered my question. Arigato!" one of the guys in his group says. You just smiled at them and went back to reading your notes. You hear them walk away from their table. You didn't want to look at him as he was leaving as it would just take you back to memory lane.

"Do you know those guys?" Sachi asked while she was writing down stuff.

"Not really, one of them was just a friend from way back" you answered her. You took a sip from your drink and went back to reading your notes. You felt relieved knowing that you were in a better situation now compared to before. You've come a long way and you weren't going to let him ruin that for you.


	3. Cue

Oikawa's POV

After ordering their drinks, Oikawa and his teammates scanned the coffee shop for a spot to occupy. The coffee shop was almost full so there weren't really a lot of seats left for a big group. It was a good thing that on the far end of the coffee shop there was still an empty table. Oikawa walked towards the direction of the table to check if there was no one occupying that spot. He looked around and there was a person sitting alone in the next table. He decided to ask person if the table was taken or not.

"Hi! Is this table ta-"

He stopped himself from talking when he saw who it was, it was you. You were the person he was least expecting to see in public. He didn't know what to say and froze on the spot. The air suddenly felt warm around him. He didn't know how to break the awkward silence between the two of you. If he remembers correctly, you didn't want to talk to him back then. You would always deny him from any attempt he made to explain to you. What was he supposed to say? Should he pretend that he doesn't know you? He doesn't have an idea. Seeing your expression, he was certain that you were also shocked to see him there.

"Sorry to bother you but is this table taken?" that was close, he thought. Good thing he was saved by his teammate. He was with his juniors so they didn't really know who you were. Most of his older teammates knew who you were since you used to bring them snacks and energy drinks during their practice. If his other teammates were here he was sure that it would have been awkward. When you broke up with Oikawa you also cut ties with most of his teammates since it was abvious that they were somehow covering for him.

"I don't think so" you answered. He walked towards his group trying his best to avoid looking suspicious infront of them. It wasn't as if this was the first time you've seen each other after the dorm incident but the way you would dismiss him and shut him down would replay in his mind whenever he tried to reach out to you.

Oikawa wasn't going to deny or justify his actions, he just wanted to explain what led him to his actions. It was his own action, it wasn't a mistake, he decided to do that on his own but he wanted you to hear his explanation. It wasn't the first time that he met that woman, they have been seeing each other for at least 3 weeks when you saw the two of them at his dorm. His relationship with you was becoming more of a habit than a relationship, it wasn't what it used to be. Everything just seemed to be done out of habit, calling each other, doing errands for the other person or picking up dinner felt like it was being done just because it was what you were both used to doing. Oikawa wanted fun things, he wanted to feel excited the way volleyball excites him.

He tried to reach out twice but both times you shut him down so he stopped trying afterwards. There was no point in trying after all, it wasn't going to make things better anyway. His words wouldn't ease your pain, he wasn't planning to get back with you as well.

"Hey, are you alright? You look like you're going to faint any moment now" Oikawa heard one of your friends ask you. Is Y/N sick? He thought to himself. You didn't really look sick when he was talking to you earlier.

"I'm alright, don't worry about me" you answered. For a brief moment he looked at your direction. Oikawa looked away before you could even catch him. He didn't want you to know that he was looking. He knew that you still haven't forgiven him. He can tell it by the way you looked at him. Oikawa wasn't actually surprised, what he did wasn't something one could forget overnight, it wasn't something he could easily as forgiveness for. If he had the chance before, he would've done things differently.

"I see. If you're feeling unwell we can just study at Sachi's place" he heard your friend say. He knew you well, you would easily get sick back then. A little change in the weather would cause you to get a cold, you would also catch flus easily. He can't help but look again towards your direction, he wanted to check whether you really looked sick. When he looked at you, he saw you reaching out for napkins. He thought you looked funny with your cream mustache. When he realized that he was looking too long already, he looked away immediately hoping that you didn't notice.

"Oikawa-san, they have buttermilk biscuits. Do you want me to get some for you?" asked one of Oikawa's juniors.

"No, I'm fine" he answered. He sipped his drink and took his phone out of his pocket. The coffee and chocolate in his drink eased his tense feeling a little. He was about to tell Iwaizumi that you two were at the same place. He pondered for a couple of minutes trying to think of a way to phrase his sentence but he eventually returned his phone inside his pocket. He dragged Iwaizumi into this mess a long time ago when he convinced Iwa to cover for him. He himself was surprised at how easy he was able to convince him. Although you weren't the closest friends with Iwaizumi, you two were quite close since he was his roommate so whatever food or drink you gave Oikawa you always made sure you have an extra one for Iwa-chan.

For a while Oikawa was worried that you would let his coach or the school administration know that he brought a girl over at their dorm and did things there with her. He was a university athlete and so something like that would surely cause him to get kicked out of the team. When you said that you were going to come over and take the things that you lend/gave him he took that opportunity to talk to you.

When you arrived you didn't really talk so he tried to initiate the conversation. He was a little frustrated because you wouldn't speak. You weren't like that, you were an outspoken and loud person so he wanted you to tell him what was in your mind or at least let him explain. You continued to dismiss his attempts so he walked outside near a vending machine and bought two yogurt drinks. Iwaizumi was also there, he wanted to talk to you as well but he didn't have the courage to explain why he tolerated something like that.

"Iwa-chan, let me speak to her" Oikawa said almost in almost a whispering manner, Iwaizumi then headed outside. He placed the yogurt drink next to you and opened the other one for himself.

"Won't you let me explain?" he asked, trying to get a response from you. He wasn't expecting you to be this quiet that it almost irritated him. Why doesn't Y/N want to hear me out? When you didn't respond and walked pass him he let out a deep sigh. It was frustrating for him because he expected you to make a scene, he expected you to scream or slap him so he didn't know how to respond to your silence.

"Look I just want you to hear me out. I'm sorry" he said as a last attempt to convince you to let him explain. When he saw you stop, he smiled to himself. He knew that you couldn't resist him. This would be his time to fully explain himself as well. He wanted to break up with you and be done with this already.

"No" he was speechless this time. There was a certain tone in your voice that threw him off-guard. This wasn't you at all, he thought. He prepared himself for all violent reactions that you could possibly do, however he didn't prepare himself for this particular situation. Your silence was more violent than words, explaining to you was going to be his way of getting rid of his guilt. If you let him explain himself and you still got mad at him, he thought that it wouldn't be his fault anymore because at least he still would've been honest with you until the end. He just watched you walk away and leave the room.

You weren't gaslighting, emotinally blackmailing or guilt-tripping him but his conscience was eating him alive. He knew he was at fault and he was ready to leave you but why does he feel this way all of a sudden? Was it because you weren't telling the coaches about the incident? Was it because he finally realized that he made the wrong decision? Was it because of your silence?

"Let's go. We have to meet-up with the others before we start our practice" says one of Oikawa's teammates. Oikawa picked-up his things and took his drink which was more than half-empty already. He wanted to say something before he left since he doesn't know if he'll ever see you again. He tried hard to think of something to say. He didn't know if he wanted to ask you if you had the time to talk or just walk away. It would be really awkward if he says something and you won't respond. He realized that he really didn't have enough time to even summarize the things he wanted to say and so he just opened his mouth and spoke.

"Y/N, arigato. Thank you very much" was all he could say. That was the only proper way he could think of to summarize his thoughts at the moment. He hopes that you take a hint. He was thankful that you came into his life. He was thankful for the memories and moments you shared with each other. He was thankful for the kindness and love that you showed him when you were still together. He was thankful that you took care of his teammates when you didn't have to. He was thankful that you didn't tell the coaches and the university about bringing an outsider inside their dorm. He was thankful for all the times you were good to him. Those were the only words that fit.

Oikawa smiled, hoping that you the depth of his words. You were smart, so he knew you would understand it easily.

"Hai, you're welcome" for a moment Oikawa almost teared-up. It was the first time that you didn't dismiss him. He wanted to say more but he felt like it would only ruin the message he was trying to convey and so he didn't speak anymore.

"Ah yes, we forgot to say thank you earlier when you answered my question. Arigato!" a teammate of him says. He didn't look back at you anymore, he didn't want to bother you anymore. He knew he caused you pain and so he didn't want to try and say things that might hurt you again.


End file.
